Thursday, 1 August 2013

Walking Guides Demystified

I'm pretty sure that anyone who has ever used a walking guide has shouted at it at some point or another, so I've decided to try and dig behind the words a little to see what they really mean...

"May be boggy after rain" = The last time this piece of earth was dry was during the long hot summer of '76.

"Path indistinct in places" = To locate the path you will require an aerial photograph and geophysics survey.

"Wildlife" = Sheep.

"Variety of wildlife" = Sheep & rabbits.

"An interesting assortment of insect life" = A barrage of flying creatures will be queuing up to bite chunks out of any exposed flesh.

"Path may be overgrown in places" = Be prepared to hack a route Indiana Jones style through the dense vegetation.

"Interesting old pub" = I stopped for a pint of local ale.

"Very interesting old pub" = I stopped for 2 pints of local ale.

"Loveliest pub in the whole world ever" = I've had considerably more than 3 pints of ale and it's now inadvisable for me to drive home.

"Steep in places" = Vertical in places.

"Spectacular Views"
"A bit of a scramble required" = Pack climbing ropes & call Chris Bonnington for advice.

"A popular route" = Packed.

"A popular route for tourists" = Starts and ends at a pub.

"Popular with locals" = Everyone will fall silent & stare at you as you enter the pub.

"Plenty of parking" = In the middle of nowhere.

"Spectacular views" = On the few days of the year when the rain, mist and midges aren't getting in the way.

"Follow the way marked route" = Spend 10 minutes hunting for the footpath sign before finding it buried in a hedge and covered with brambles.


If there are any others I missed, do let me know...