Great British Escapades: Go Go Gadget Gardener!

Technically a weed I suppose but...

I've been looking back over a few blogs this morning and realised I've not done a general round up on the whole "new life" thing for a while, which is a good thing really as it means I've been too busy either working, having fun or, usually, both. Both writing and training are keeping me busy and, more importantly, keeping my bank manager happy.

As spring has finally sprung the garden has been demanding my attention. You may remember a year or so ago I was having a minor rant about Peter Mayle and the idyllic life he portrayed in his books, well 12 months on and with more time to keep an eye on it, the garden is gradually beginning to behave itself. We've added a number of plants to try and bring a little colour to the place (lots of evergreens and not many flowers before), and have tamed the ones we inherited.

We've also installed a vegetable plot which was hard work to create but is now all planted with us eagerly awaiting our first crop of home grown goodies. I spent most of yesterday attacking the weeds in the garden and decided that gardening would become a whole lot easier if gardeners could undergo a "Six Million Dollar Man" (or woman) makeover. Please feel free to add your own, but my ideas so far are:

Wannabe blackcurrants.

Telescopic arms - to allow you to prune high bushes/ trees without the need to balance precariously on the step ladders whilst wielding a very sharp implement.
Gadget hands which, at the push of a button, could switch between trowel, secateurs, fork etc.
The ability to hover thus allowing you to reach that annoying weed at the back without trampling the newly forked soil. (OK, the telescopic arms would allow this too, but hovering would be WAY more fun!)
A rubber back, so you could spend the day working in the garden without having to spend the evening engulfed in the smell of Deep Heat.
A garment that has a waterproof back but is non waterproof elsewhere. This would allow you to remain outside during light showers without having a cold soggy back for the rest of the day. It would also come in handy when working under bushes after the aforementioned rain shower.
An invisible soundproof bubble; not to shut the outside world out (though that would have its advantages) but to protect the outside world from my inane chatter as I tell the weeds off, chat to the plants and converse with the birds.
Foam knees that feel no pain. How can one tiny stone hurt so much?
Gyroscopic balance; particularly useful for rockeries.
"Weed vision" which will allow me to instantly differentiate between weeds and "oh, maybe that's where I planed those poppies"
A telekinetic ability to transport my bucket of weeds to the compost heap without me having to move from my finely balance spot.

With the exception of "sapling watch" (we are overrun with ash & sycamore seedlings) I shall now be taking a few days off from the hard chores to allow my back to recover. All I need now is a spot of hot weather so I can enjoy a G&T on the patio... (And you thought my wish for telescopic arms was far fetched!)