Show me the way to glow home...

Lighting the way...

Those fabulous fellows at Fix the Fells have come up with an innovative way to fix the fells AND help keep walkers safer after dark - glow in the dark gravel.  From Sunday April 1st all the paths fixed by their amazing team of volunteers will contain this futuristic new product, and it's hoped that other National Parks will follow suit.

The inspiration behind the idea

They've taken their inspiration from computer games such as Fable where the player's route ahead is illuminated so they never get lost.  Inexperienced hikers getting lost on the fells after dark is a serious issue so it is hoped that this revolutionary approach will help to keep people safer.

The gravel is environmentally friendly and is made by rolling the gravel in a large drum, coating it with iridescent plankton from the seas around the Maldives.  In preliminary tests it was found that the rainfall in Cumbria was sufficient to keep the plankton alive and glowing.  Co-incidentally it is also hoped that the farming of this plankton will provide a much needed boost to the Maldivian economy.

In the future, as night falls across the fells, the paths leading the way to the various summits will glow gently, aiding any walkers still trying to find their way home and also creating a beautiful artwork of interconnecting routes, best viewed from a local pub garden with a pie and pint of local ale.

Happy (and safe!) hiking!

(P.S. Yes, of course this is an April Fool's wind up - but Fix the Fells really do need our money to keep the fells in tip top condition - to learn more about their fantastic work and make a donation PLEASE CLICK HERE.  Thank you 😀)

Lake District Submarine Tours

Today sees the start of a brand new and hugely exciting Cumbrian attraction – submarine tours of the lakes.  Research undertaken during the recent extensions of the National Park boundaries revealed that the huge caverns which exist under the Yorkshire Dales actually extend out and under the lakes and fells of Cumbria.  It’s thought these caves have existed since the last ice age but were previously undetected having been filled with stones and gravel.  The floods from Storm Desmond flushed through the cave network, opening it up for the first time in many thousands of years.

The first submarine will set off just before lunchtime today.  The HMS Guzundamountins, which has been refitted locally, will leave from the Lakeside Pier at the south of Windermere at 11:59.  The new venture is providing a welcome boost for the town and offers the opportunity for Trident submarines to be put to good use when the navy don’t need them for a while.

The cruise will head north along the lake before turning left passing under the Grizedale forest and emerging into Coniston Water.  (See map)  The submarine will surface for a tour along the lake and make a short stop for boarding at the boating centre, it will then resubmerge at the head of the lake, surface briefly in Esthwaite and dive again to reappear and drop people off in Bowness.

From Bowness it will continue north towards Ambleside.  As it nears Low Wood Bay it will go down for its longest dive to pass through a very deep underground system of tunnels that extend the whole way to Ullswater and emerge from the rocks beneath Place Fell.  From there it’s a just a short ride to Pooley Bridge at the north end of the lake.

It’s anticipated that the new attraction will prove quite a draw for tourists and an essential boost for the county.  Windermere Lake Cruises are spearheading the venture and working in close partnership with Yeah Low Submarines.  Their CEO, Ms Ayprul Fewell says, “It was surprisingly easy to get permission to do this – I mean who doesn’t want to see a Trident Submarine cruising along Windermere?”

Other Lake District campaigning organisations  were equally laid back commenting “We don’t see how this is a problem – it’s underwater most of the time anyway – we’ve just asked them to ensure that all their weapons systems are disarmed as we’d hate to lose any of the steamers to an over excited toddler pressing the wrong button.”

A spokesperson for Windermere Lake Cruises says “The new attraction is not recommended for those with claustrophobia or strong feelings about nuclear defence vessels.  We hope people will enjoy this new opportunity to explore the lakes, though we should remind people that there aren’t many windows on a submarine.”

Those wishing to book a submarine cruise, or a more traditional lake cruise, can do so by visiting the Windermere Lake Cruises website where you will also find some spectacular photos of the trial runs.  (Trust me, you REALLY want to click that link!)

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Go, Go, Gadget Boots!

All new Geomagnetic Route Boot

As the race to bring the latest wearable tech to the market gathers momentum, Berghaus and ViewRanger have come up with the very latest must have gadget for every tech savvy hiker – the “Geomagnetic Route Boot”.

The principle is very simple and environmentally sound.  Each “Route Boot” will be fitted with a geomagnetic chip which will communicate with a downloadable app in your smart phone.  All you need to do is plot your route into the ViewRanger app as you’ve always done and head for the fells.

The chip in the boot will follow the pre-programmed route by making use of the naturally occurring geomagnetism in the rocks.  Over the coming months you may spot a number of folks in the fells with kit looking a bit like the guy on the left.  What they’re doing is magnetising each route with its own unique geomagnetic signature by realigning all the magnetic minerals within the rocks.  (Note:  If you see them coming it’s best to give them a wide berth, especially if you have any magnetic items about your person – keys, artificial hips, metal fillings, under wired bras etc.)

The ViewRanger app already warns you if you’re going off track, but they are seizing this opportunity to upgrade their system to provide a loud claxon when you stray off the route (so you can hear it above the howling wind on the fell tops or in the middle of Ambleside on a busy bank holiday), this will be accompanied by a friendly message shouting to inform you that you have strayed from the path and need to return to your route.

New upgraded app!

The voice message will be available with a number of different options including Brian Blessed, Jeremy Clarkson and Holly from Red Dwarf (please note, the Jeremy Clarkson option is an age restricted product and may not get you back to your hotel until after they have finished serving food.)

A Berghaus spokesperson said “We are delighted to be at the forefront of wearable technology and, after what we are sure will be successful trials in the Lake District, we hope to be able to roll this product out in the Peak District, Scotland and North Wales - probably on the same date next year.”

A welcome sight on any hike!

Ever keen to support the many needs of the weary hiker, Jennings have kindly sponsored the geomagnetic route alignment work and added a few extra branches leading directly to their pubs.  At the end of a hike you can therefore be certain of a long cool pint of Cumberland Ale and, if you remember to programme your route back to your campsite before you head to the bar, the boots will help you find your way back again – you know, just in case it’s dark, or you were really, really thirsty or anything like that.

A ViewRanger spokesperson commented “We are particularly excited by this innovative addition to our already excellent geolocation capabilities.  We’d like to reassure our customers that in our commitment to providing the very highest levels of customer care, our dedicated band of staff have been up the fells in all weathers and the cries of “Gordon’s Alive!” echoing around the office are testament to how popular the Brian Blessed voice option is.”

As serious fell walker myself, keen to test all of the capabilities this new product has to offer, I have also trialled it on the fells, as well as on the many Jennings pubs in the area.  All the in the name of serious product research you understand...

The “Geomagnetic Route Boot” will be available to order online today with the app available via all the usual outlets.  A discount is available to those quoting the code APR01.

Major new Lake District sponsor announced

The Lake District National Park has teamed up with a major corporate sponsor in a deal believed to be the first of its kind anywhere in the world. Global giant Virgin has agreed to make a substantial investment in Cumbria and they have a lot of exciting ideas to help the region assert its claim to be the "adventure capital of England".

First up they plan to produce their own definitive walking guides and change the sport of "Wainwright bagging" into "Virgin bagging".  As an incentive to encourage more people to get outdoors and join in Virgin will be rewarding every hiker who can demonstrate they've climbed all 214 summits with a free "I've bagged 214 Virgins" T shirt.

Virgins as far as the eye can see

They also plan to invest in updating a number of the lakes themselves in an attempt to draw in more people.  Low Water, just below the summit of The Old Man of Coniston, will be heated and turned into an "outdoor adventure pool" complete with a waterslide running directly from the summit.

Stickle Tarn will become a giant jacuzzi with a drinks service available from The Sticklbarn pub in the valley below and to improve access for visitors with mobility issues a stair lift will be installed running from the pub directly to the tarn.

Site of proposed giant jacuzzi

Another fell to benefit from the new "rapid descent" concept will be Fleetwith Pike.  Richard Branson has made several secret visits to the area and, like many people, found the descent along Fleetwith Edge "long and bit tedious in places - nice views though" so he's decided to install a zipwire running from the summit of the fell to the back of the Bridge Hotel in Buttermere.

Virgin also plan to make the fells a safer place by installing giant inflatable tubes, emblazoned with the Virgin logo, on either side of accident blackspots such as Striding Edge and Sharp Edge.  Lake District Mountain Rescue gave the idea a cautious welcome: "Anything to improve the safety of walkers is, of course, welcome", they said "but we just wish they'd paint them green so they blend in better with the landscape."

Sharp Edge - safer in future

Friends of the Lake District have been surprisingly positive about the deal with a spokesman quoted as saying "Hell yeah, why not? This place could do with livening up a bit."

And finally, whereas many sponsorship deals have required a complete change of venue name to satisfy the sponsors, Virgin are making only one name change to one lake - Bassenthwaite Lake will, in future, be known as Bransonthwaite Lake.

Soon to be "Bransonthwaite Lake"

All those wishing to make their views on this announcement known can do so by contacting the Lake District National Parks Authority no later than midday on Tuesday 1st April 2014 or by emailing afool@novirginsincumbria.gov.uk.